The Soft Feminine Blossoms & Expresses & Expands in Safety. We Get to Protect and Create That Space Within Ourselves.

Being feminine, expressing the Goddess within, allowing the soft parts of ourselves to be seen, risking vulnerability and intimacy, having the courage to share our feelings with others happens in safety.

I love this picture with the horse. I liken it to having a soft pink tether to my inner masculine, the black horse the symbolizing power.

The horse is happy to be there his ears are perked up and the feminine me is smiling and radiant happy to be there too. What a beautiful merging when both feminine and masculine parts of ourselves are honored, CLAIMED, seen and cherished... for their individuality, strengths and gifts.

Man did I ever bomb fail at that one far too many times than I can remember. Creating safety within myself has been war, a battle that went on for years. No judgement just the truth.

I discovered this maturation & individuation, the harmony and balance and re-integration, rebirth, re-emergence doesn't happen in stress.

In my own inner journey of awakening, healing trauma after divorce, radical reinvention and a good sobering look into my own psyche and behaviors what drives my daily habits and ways or relating with others I decided to just STOP and give myself the space to do that important work.

This patriarchal push and hustle culture woman can be men, yeah we can but do we really want to?

That's the question I've been sitting with over the last 4 years.

I can do anything I set my mind to, I don't have to prove that to anyone anymore.

AND and ... at the same time the discernment, protection and ACTION of the masculine part of ourselves is also necessary, because we are both. The balance and harmony of both...

The masculine discernment, decision, protection creates boundaries, says NO, takes and puts an action behind the feminine intuition, knowing, flow, it creates the space and the safety for the feminine to blossom and expand and BE.

I think that's been my ultimate goal here over the last few years in this individuation journey, let's call it a midlife crisis, or spiritual awakening #3. Can I look at this next evolution of deepening, realness and authenticity without judgement or criticism blame or shame.

Can I sit with the destruction of the OLD me, all the systems, behaviors, strategies and coping mechanisms to keep love close to me, to belong to find validation or need it externally can I sit with those parts of me with compassion. 

It's an important conversation I love exploring.

I can remember when my masculine "work ethic" the force of nature, business boss babe ambition quite litterally went right out the window. It was like BYE Felisha!

It was like my masculine was saying to me "bitch I ain't working again until that feminine fills her cup, the end".

Shit... I was at such a loss I thought to myself what am I going to DO now?!

Nothing to DO, time for BEING &  surrender.

And so began my creative healing arts journey.

I began making art as a way of expressing things inside of me I couldn't find words for, big feelings that didn't make sense.

And that was a holly war. To surrender and allow this feminine sensuality, and creativity a new form of expression.

Like I went to a well where I could always rustle up this ROARING drive only to find the well was DRY.

WTF?!

So I started to ask myself things like ...

• What do I REALLY want to do now?
• What do I want to BE?
• What if my identity isn't tied up to that marriage that business the money the fill in the bank. Who am I without all of those external THINGS that define me? 
• How do I want to FEEL in my day?
• Can I sit with the uncomfortable RIFT that exists when I just SLOW way the fuck down and actually do what I want to do instead of what's expected of me?
• Can I sit with the GUILT of disappointing others to honor myself
• What wants to be expressed, created and experienced now? 
• What if I just STOP all the hustle and make art today?
• Is that possible, is that eve responsible?
• Who is responsible for my joy?
• Do I risk intimacy with this person or do I just keep things SAFE and surface?
• And why the FUCK isn't it safe for me to be INTIMATE?
• Where does that come from?

Down the habit we go!

What a RADICAL journey ...

I discovered some people will respond to your creative expression with judgment, denial, rejection, some people might abandon you... it's a BIG risk being TRUE to yourself, actually being authentically YOU and sharing the truth with others.

But you know what's an even bigger risk I discovered FOR ME anyways? I don't know about you but for me it was an abandonment and rejection and denial of the parts of myself that REQUIRED expression, my creativity, my sensuality that I just wasn't willing to stuff inside an acceptable box anymore. 

Nope.

Not for money, not for external validation not for belonging. Not for likes on social media. Not for acceptance from my family. I decided I would validate myself, love myself and belong to myself.

If people around me didn't like this new version of Vanessa well too fucking bad. I like her as a matter of fact I LOVE her and that's why I give her expression and space to be seen heard and felt.

We are only seeing and meeting ourselves in others all day long. The reflection of our wholeness or fragmented parts, disassociated parts. It's all US pushed out there for us to see, meet and acknowledge. Do you like what you see?

I took two years to myself really. Integrating and loving ME.

Then funny enough my masculine ACTION started coming back online SLOWLY... my GOD was it slow. I think I had PTSD from anything related to the word business. It's like I was allergic or something.

I also discovered a new found depth, and conscious expansion, truth, this mystical world, deep connections with others to the extent I was willing to meet myself. My relationships changed to the extent I was showing up for ALL the parts of myself, not projecting those parts out there but OWNING and loving them in here.

It's a lot of the work I am passionate about these days. Still into business just differently. Business WITHOUT abandoning my health, peace, pleasure or self expression.

I like it. A lot!

Took some time to get use to the slow rhythm of life but if it costs me my peace I decided it's too expensive and so everything in my life had to be recalibrated through that lens. 

I'm ok with that!

Let me honor that and let that lead and guide my life.

How about you? I'd love to hear about your journey through this individuated conscious expansion we are navigating. Drop a comment here below if you feel inclined to share.

Big HUGS xx

Vanessa